What have we been up to this summer?

Ben

• Jumped in a Wormhole
• Saw all the timelines
• Turns out this one really is the worst one

Kyle

• Moved into an old mill building in Lowell
• Turns out, part of my lease requires weaving 100 ft of textiles every day
• Only way to break the lease is to weave 10,000 ft of textiles
• Kylepunzel Kylepunzel let down your hair

Vicki

• FISH
• Saw a fish fin in a lake
• She pet a similar fish in a museum
• She found sharks teeth sifting for fossils on a beach
• Next up, she wants to FIGHT A SHARK

Who Could Replace the President?

• Vicki's idea - the ghost of Abraham Lincoln
  • Or Danny Devito
  • Or Paul Rudd
  • Or Meryl Streep
    • Is she an American citizen even?
• Ben's idea - the president is too mature right now
  • Need someone eloquent and well spoke
  • Let's get the winner of the National Spelling Bee!
    • 2024's winning word was abseil
  • Optimistic
  • Youthful
  • We'd learn so much spelling
• Kyle's idea - the president is too physically weak
  • Get the WWE world heavyweight champion
    • Damian Priest
  • What is politics other than acting, and who puts on a better show than the WWE world heavyweight champion?
• Let's just get all three!
  • Abraham Lincoln's ghost can be the 'Specter' of the House

T-Swizzle Sign Off

• Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey hold hands correctly
  • Unlike some other previous boyfriends of her
• The most romantic way to hold hands is to only interlock your thumbs
• Even more romantic? Interlock your toes
• Travis Kelsey is a sturgeon

Show Transcript (beta)

Well, hey there, listeners! We hope you enjoyed some of those tunes. You are, of course, tuned in - ha ha, see what I did there - to Off the Rails on the Airwaves right here on WML LOWL. I am joined by my co-hosts with the French toasts. That, of course, is Kyle and Vicky. Yes. Yes, I'm here. I was told that there's that there's a segment we're doing. Yes, there is. I'm so excited. There is a segment that we're doing. We have many. I think this is going to be a rapid fire round. I don't think we need to spend too much time on this. But we hear generally try to avoid wading into the quagmire that is politics, but we are at an interesting point in our presidential election cycle right now where we are discussing who could be a possible replacement for our fearless, slightly doddering leader, and we thought that we'd say, you know, we can maybe go around and say, who's someone would be a great replacement that you wouldn't necessarily expect? Okay, I got one, I got one. Okay, Vicky, who would be your replacement? The ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Final, final choice. That's, yeah, okay. Do you want to explore some other options, or are you just, you're locked in? I mean, the other option I had was Danny DeVito. as or like Paul Red America's Sweetheart, I'm also down for a woman president, Meryl Streep comes to mind immediately. She's done it all like why not president? I feel like she would kill it. Is Meryl Streep an American citizen? Is that a weird question? It doesn't matter at this point. Like I think we need just a good president, you know. Yeah, that, those are my, those are my initial gut reactions. Yeah. But I'm really gunning for the ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Like, I think that is really going to unite the American people. Yeah. Kyle, do you have any thoughts? or shall I present mine? - You go first, I've got some thoughts. - Yeah, I was thinking, you know, like kind of our problem right now is that we have someone who's maybe sort of a little bit too mature and I thought we could go the other direction, and I think that a great avenue, a great proving ground for. presidentiality is about like being eloquent and well-spoken and who is more eloquent and well-spoken than the Scripps National Spelling Bee Champion of 2024, Bruhat Soma. Okay, okay. So like we need someone young with energy. who's youthful, who's excited, just excited to be here, excited to use the word abseil, their winning word for 2024, in as many sentences as possible, and just present an optimistic, youthful view of how the world can be, and every press release is gonna be perfect, so much vocabulary from our new president. We're really educating the people. How do you spell abseil? Abseil. A-B-S-E-I-L. Abseil. Wow, nice. Yeah, you got it. That's exactly it. I wrote it. I wrote it down incorrectly, and the computer had to tell me. See? We would be learning this from our president. We'd learn so much from every- they would go to take questions from the press, and they would be like, "Yes, Wolf Blitzer, CNN," and he would be like, "Can you please spell onomatopoeia?" And then that's the whole press conference. It's just them asking her to spell things. - It would be educational. - Yeah, and no one, and there wouldn't be any political conflict 'cause like everyone would be like, "Well, what's her position on the issues?" And then someone else would be like, "Wait, but she." But, but she can spell... I can't even think of a big word. You know, like, you bump up on that, and then suddenly there's no conflict anywhere, because everyone is so aligned behind just having this person spell. Yeah, yeah, and additionally I think, uh, Brouhaht won, you know, some amount of money for the spelling bee, and I think... that can just be the campaign fund. They're already fully funded. Yeah, I like this. This is a good idea, and then, you know, next year, maybe someone else wins and maybe they're the new president, and this is how we do it now. Every year? Yeah. Wow. Anyway, it could be that. or it could be the ghosts of Abraham Lincoln, or it could be Kyle. Who do you think? - Yeah, so I think the biggest issue with the current president is just that he's older, he's a bit more frail, he's not particularly physically strong. - I think I know where this is going. Yeah, okay. - That's what we really want from a president. The current Let's see here the the the current WWE raw Championship the world heavyweight championship right now is is the champion is Damian Priest They've held the championship so far for 96 days If you look them up, they're very muscular, as one would expect. They defeated Drew McIntyre in his Money in the Bank cash-in match at WrestleMania XL night two. Right? So I think that's the kind of leadership that you really want, right? You want to project strength and power. But you know, politics is actually... acting, right? That's all politicians are, is actors. They get up there and they put on a performance, and who puts on a better performance than the WWE World Heavyweight Champion? Actually, I fully am backing this, Kyle. Like, I understand your vision. I think one thing the ghost of Abraham Lincoln does lack is a shredded six-pack so it would be hard to compare the two. That said, is his vocabulary up to par? That's my one concern. Well, I mean his running mate is obviously the Spelling Bee champion, right? Like, it's like, you know, he's no one. president can do everything, but so that's why the vice president knows how to spell and read and stuff. I really I love this idea so much Kyle. I like how we both went with kind of transitioning to a more like merit championship competition based method of choice. Right, right. I think it would be... really interesting to have sort of like a triumvirate council of these three people, and like, obviously, the ghost of Abraham Lincoln is a lifetime appointment, and his foil will be the spelling bee champion and the WWE Raw champion, who will kind of be rotating characters, and that's sort of how you bring new ideas. ideas into the fold and update the discussions and welcome a diverse range of viewpoints. Right, it's like the WWE world champion is the president, the Spelling Bee world champion is the vice president, and then the ghost of Abraham Lincoln is the speaker of the house. Yeah, and they're just kind of all, they're all doing their thing and we get some- Specter of the house, specter. So pardon me, I'm so sorry. - Sorry, it was there, it was there. It did do what you were saying, but I just couldn't let it go. - Yeah, we have this amazing government where a lot of people can be involved and why not get them all involved? - Yeah, I think that makes a lot of sense. I don't know why we don't just do that, right? There has to be room in the competition to make some changes. There's gotta be. There's gotta be. Yeah. I think we need to call some people, schedule a debate stat, and get this going. Amazing. If you have any interest in hosting a debate between the ghost of Abraham Lincoln, the winner of the Scripps Spelling Bee 2024, and the current WWE Raw Champ Wrestling Champion, please let us know. Head to WML on social media at wml.org, alfredosradio.org, and let us know. We'd love to set this up, and we would be happy to broadcast it live right here on WML LOL. Well, hello there, listeners. You are back on Off the Rails on the Airwaves. That's right. You're now part of the show. We are going to pique your interest. We are going to engage your gray matter in an exciting discussion that we have for you today. We want to tell you about someone who is on our minds all the time. It is a cruel summer when we're not loving her. It is a blank space when the conversation is not revolving around her, and you know what? Those puns, everyone's made those puns this year. I am not alone. We are also talking about the punniest person of 2024. That's right. "New Lady," the one and only Swizzle McGizzle is my personal nickname. Yeah, and with us we have my friend Sydney who is a Taylor Swift expert. She has been studying Taylor Swift. professionally for the past decade. So we're gonna default to her for any questions. - Yeah, Sydney, thank you so much for joining us. Just tell us briefly, what's one thing that you love about Taylor Swift and your research? - Thank you so much, and thank you for that wonderful introduction, Vicky, and your deference to my many hours. on the internet. - Your thesis is just iconic. It's like 20,000 pages, deep research and work. So thank you for- - Truly in the depths of Reddit. - In these trenches for you all. - Yes. I mean, I think really just happy to be here gaolering on the internet with y'all. and would love to talk about Taylor Swift's beard, Travis Kelce's latest drunk escapades. So he decided to get wasted at an NFL karaoke competition and then seemingly like a hysterical woman that he is, fake cry about how it was that his karaoke award was. dedicated to Taylor. But of course it's true love everyone. He's not a beard. He's not a beard. That's really sweet. I've also been told that not only is he not a beard, he is not the Scripps National Spelling Bee Championship and that some of his posts on Twitter from 2010 have been recirculating on the internet. One of the most popular ones is, I just gave a squirrel a piece of bread and it straight smashed all of it, and he spells both squirrel and piece incorrectly in that sentence. - Oh, nice. Hey, atta boy. There we go. - We're supposed to believe that our generation's name, maybe the entire universe's most talented poet and most literate woman is in love with this man. - Yeah. - Let's just think about that. - How did he spell peace? Was it like peace, like world peace? was like instead of I before E it was E before I. Squirrel, squirrel is S-Q-U-I-R-L-E, which is pretty nice. Squirrel. Wow, okay, yeah. Squirly. Squirly. Squirly. Um, I'm I'm excited to bring you other exciting news, um, which also is that it's a little awkward when he hangs out with Taylor Swift's parents. Um, that seems to be the entirety of this article that I pulled up. I just, uh, the fact that she has a family, I just never thought about that. Oh. No, she was made in the lab. any any there's any mention of family to keep up appearances yeah what are these parents like i don't know what you think she's human humans have flaws so uh speaking of flawed humans sydney this is something that i wanted to ask you about actually is there's been some discussion that Travis is not necessarily very good at holding Taylor's hand. I wonder if you could tell us like what he does wrong and how you feel about it. Thank you. This is an important question. all need to deeply consider. So with Taylor Swift's Boyfriends, the whole discussion of hand-holding has always been around. It goes deep. Mainly when she was with Joe Alwyn, there were a lot of Taylor's fans just up in arms about the fact that they wouldn't interlace their face. they would hold hands like this or sometimes like this. - He's like doing like the palm holding like the fingers. - This is not an admissible medium on Zoom. I need to translate for you. Anyway, they don't interlock their fingers and that's the whole issue. - Yes, and then when she and Travis Kelsey started going public together, their first path walk he did a superior job of one interlacing their fingers there was just true like interlocking happen as well as like the grip just looks strong and then he would never let go of her hand so there were videos and videos and videos of how they were any obstacle they encountered a street lamp, a car door, a paparazzi. He was never letting go. So that was seen as proof by Hetlers, i.e. people who think Taylor Swift is straight, that they were, are madly in love. But lately he's been slacking, and so now we're wondering what's going on. Is there quote unquote love in peril? Yeah, you can really tell through hand-holding how romantic or non-romantic it is. So what do you guys think is the most romantic type of hand-holding? I think it's the most romantic. Kyle, I know you're going to have the same answer as me, so please go ahead. Oh, yeah. I just, you know, interlocking. Like you don't have to get all the fingers involved, right? If your love is strong, right? You only need two thumbs in order to really– - They are the strongest finger. Yeah. - Right, and it's like, you know, two people that love each other are two independent people that like are doing their own thing, but have like, you know, joined, like they're doing it together, they're partners, right? And so if you're still doing things on your own, those other fingers to do things with but you do want to signify that like you are the partners together in right and so that's why you interlock the thumbs because the thumbs barely like who uses their thumbs I rarely put those things into play so so that's what that's that's what I think is the most romantic then I don't know if you if you fully agree or if there's a variant on I definitely agree. I would say also something that people don't always realize. It's similar to the idea of thumbs. Thumbs is the main, that's how I express my love. It's how I show physical intimacy. But there's another option that leaves all of your fingers and your thumb open, which is of course, the toe interlacing. Yep. Oh my gosh, yes. Okay. I'm glad you brought that up. this up because it's like highly underrated. Yeah, it's highly underrated, and it leaves both of your hands completely free. Obviously, it's best done while like sitting at a cafe or at the movies, or on the train, you know, somewhere where you're like sitting down, or lying down, or at least just not moving. If you're standing next to each other. other you can do it as well but it really it leaves your whole rest of your body free but you still have that that foundation yes and isn't it like the taller you are the longer your toes so like honestly Taylor and Travis Kelsey are both very tall people like they should have long enough toes to have gone from the full interlocked handhold to slacking to the toe hold, this is like the normal progression, and like, maybe it's a sign that their relationship isn't like working out because they haven't really progressed naturally like most people would at this stage. - Yeah, and the toes also, they're much shorter than the fingers generally. So when you interlock them, there's nothing sticking out. that you're like fully touching their toes with your toes. Yes, yes. Yeah. Well, what's nice too is that you like if you interlock your toes right like you as the as the three legged race shows right you only need three legs between two people to get around. So if you interlock your toes on, you know, one person does the left foot one person does the right foot then like you can get around all day right like there's it's not really that big an inconvenience it's a bigger inconvenience to not have a second hand yeah i think it's like it's practical and also romantic yeah yeah no i fully agree i think they're doomed um it's It is concerning. I do, like, we need to have some sympathy that, like, it's hard to have a relationship in the spotlight, and Travis Kelsey is not perfect. It was not created in a lab, and he has a lot to live up to. Yeah. Yeah, but he'd catch ball real good. ball and she knows Aristotle. Yeah, exactly. That's exactly what I mean. Yeah, uh huh. Yeah, I actually don't know what he does in the NFL. He's an NFL player, right? Yes. Yeah. The ball real good. Like I feel like you got it. Yeah. What position does he play? Does he is he a cat receiver? a catcher. Is he a catcher? He plays outfield. Yeah, sometimes shortstop. Or midi. His job is ball. His job is showing up and not embarrassing Taylor. Right. That's really difficult. Very difficult. Because, you know. Well, I really want to know how he makes her parents feel awkward right like I want to know if does he come in and then he just is he just saying stuff like is he just yeah I mean he doesn't know how to spell squirrel so well I just think I want to know what that dinner table looks like like really huge her mom brings out like some baked chicken and he's just like Somehow making it awkward. He eats the entire chicken immediately. He's probably, you know football players are big. Everything's finger food and it's just like Yeah, right, which goes back to why they should hold toes because you know, you need the fingers Yeah, okay Travis Kelsey six foot five um position is te i don't know what that means but tight end tight end okay when he's not playing outfield he's tight tight toes tight toes tight end yeah six six foot five 250 pounds That's large, but that's a big person. So maybe he just towers over the parents and... - That's pretty awkward. - Yeah. - He should just be shorter. What is he thinking? He can just go into people's house, meeting their parents being six foot five. - That's why it's good to take off your shoes. So you lose some height and you're more approachable. Like anyone with their... feet on display is in a more vulnerable, emotionally accessible position. Yeah, this is true. This is true. Well, there's a lot of lore around Taylor Swift's dad, too, because her parents are divorced and a bunch of his emails have gotten leaked over the years. Oh, man. Emails. Oh my gosh. Yeah. I apologize. You don't want to read Scott Swift's emails talking about his, um, oh wait, I don't think I can say that word on the air. Yeah, definitely not. You can Google it, whatever. Yeah, it's, yeah, I just, I don't, I feel like Like, you know, it's like her fake parents, like it's like those sci-fi movies where you just get like put with a family after being lab-grown. Yeah. Like, they were parenting, but they didn't, you know, create Taylor Swift. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, they designed her. It's very different. Yeah, I think if we say anything more about Taylor Swift, we're probably going to get canceled so I don't want to wade too heavily into this topic. It is, you know, if someone discovers us, and we become a target, then it's all over for this radio show. Well, I think, I think what Swifty needs to take away from this is that if Taylor and Travis are not foot toe holding by the end of the year, like, it's probably not a game. Yeah, it's concerning. Like we we we ship it, but we want it to happen, and we're not seeing it happen, and it's a little concerning. If If... Taylor needs to find a replacement for Travis. We are registered matchmakers with the Matchmakers Union. We are. We all have toes. We all have toes. We have experience in these matters. A normal amount, plus or minus one standard deviation. Yes. Yeah, and we would, yeah. have a normal amount of toes but one of us doesn't and and it averages out to a standard deviation of one toe but Taylor you know Travis is great but we can we've got a lot of people in our roster that we can help set you up with just let us know give us a call yeah yeah - Yeah. - Toes R Us is our company's name. - Yeah. So I don't really know how else to end this bit, end this show, but once again, we are back. This is Off the Rails, On the Airwaves, 91.5 WUML. We're back from our summer hiatus. This was almost live, but we did pre-record this morning. Maybe next week we'll be live. Who knows? Hard to say. We're getting close. We're getting closer and closer. We're getting so close. We're so close. Yeah. So, yeah. Anything else for you guys? You know, I was thinking about how big Travis Kelsey is and how big the Sturgeons are, and they're about the same size. Okay. I don't know if there's a coincidence, I think not. No, this is actually a very good point. I will have to do some research. do not have toes. Travis Kelsey not toe holding with Taylor Swift. Is Travis Kelsey confirmed sturgeon? They can get really big so it yeah he might be a prehistoric fish, lake fish, you know it's hard to say. Yeah Kansas City is there's no ocean it's freshwater. He's from Shaker Heights, Ohio, though, right on good old Great Lake Air. Oh, yeah, that's an old lake. He's from there, Eric Robertson. Yeah. You know, he crawled the shore one day. That's insane. Yeah. So, he might not be human either. He might be a fish man. Um, if, yeah, if Travis Kelsey is a fish man, uh, let us know off the rails radio.org wuml.org. If you'd like to enjoy some music, stay tuned. Factory 303 is probably next or something else. Good. We've got good stuff here. Thanks for joining us this week, and we will be back at some other time! Hope you've enjoyed this edition of Off the Rails on the Airwaves right here on WUML LOL.